10 Things You Should Never, Ever Wear

1. Crocs. Besides being the consistency of Circus Peanuts that have been left in the sun too long, these eyesores-for-your-feet are like sweat sponges; they soak up every disgusting drop and let it out later as eye-ball peeling stench. Plus, they ugly baby. They real ugly.

2. Sports bras as shirts. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's a bra, lady, and not a very good one at that. Just because you want to mistreat your boobs doesn't mean the rest of us should have to watch.

3. High-waisted pants. Otherwise known as a Cameltoe Kit.

4. Leggings worn as pants. Look, you Fucking Hipster, there is NOTHING to separate what you are attired in from bike shorts. Great, you covered your knees. I can still see your vulva.

5. Which brings me to...Bike Shorts. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYOHGODMYEYES!

6. Whale Tails and Droopy Drawers. Pull up your fucking pants. You're not at home, you're not in your room. You're in public, and your ugliness is filling up my eyes and making me wish I was born blind. I'm pretty sure I can see shit particles floating in the air as you walk by, and all I can think when I see you is "future fry cook of America."

7. Uggs. The exception to this rule is my fabulous friend Mia, who took the Ugg concept and had it turned up to 11. Think Pepto-Bismol-hued fuzzy foot explosion, and you're about right. But you aren't her, and you can't rock those.

8. Sweatpants. Have you given up? Should we get you an intervention? Are you planning on killing yourself and we need to call someone? Or are you just attired thus? Let us know, all right? We care.

9. Tie-dye. I'm so sorry, sir, it seems someone puked Spin-art onto your clothing. You should probably see about that. You wouldn't want it to stain your shirt permanently that way.

10. Embellished Denim. Here's a partial list of things your jeans should NOT have on them: screenprinting, velvet flocking, ties up the back, ties up the side, bleach spots, studs, rhinestones, embroidery, acid wash, ties up the crotch, factory whiskering, storebought holes, appliques, big fake wear patterns on the thighs that make it look like you were dragged behind a truck, a tag from Wal-Mart, lace, or any combination of the above. Go to the store, find a pair of well-cut dark or medium denim jeans in your size with NO extra shit on them, and buy them. Then burn everything else you have. Just do it for me, okay? The eyes of the world will thank you.

(A special mention should go here for my friend Robin's Grateful Dead pajama pants, but since that's pretty specific to her, I can't put it on the actual list. But Oh honey, I love you, but no.)

Facebook wastes my time beautifully.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yep. Several times, actually. Not once did I give them a reason to do so. Cops suck.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Abso-frickin'-lutely. When you can get me on them, that is.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
The last big snow. I went, and there is video footage.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Sometimes with, sometimes not. That's why we have a big couch.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Unfortunately, yes. Because I can sense them and they like to fuck with me as a result.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yep.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Does the pope wear a stupid hat?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Angeline Jolie, after someone feeds her 18 pies.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
I know a lot about politics, which is why I keep out of it.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Ish.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I've been awake for 72 hours straight before. At the end of which I had a slight nervous breakdown, followed by a roughly 17 hour nap. Insomnia sucks.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
good god, I don't know.

13. Who was your first love?
Speed Racer

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Nope.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Everyone over the age of 6 does.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I hate baseball.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
I've repeatedly fallen down on an ice rink before. Does that count?

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Every night. And I have some doozies.

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
Money.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Ever since dating Eddie, I do.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
organization.

22. Do you like Sushi?
Love it.

23. What do you wear to bed?
Um, I sleep nude.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
No one who doesn't deserve it.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Mike Ness.

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
Yep. Two for murder one.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Taco Bell, Dominos, McDonald's, diet soda, raisins, french toast, peas, american cheese, bologna, white bread, mayonnaise, Red Bull, Budweiser beer products, barbecue potato chips, fake maple syrup, cheap ice cream, vegetarian meat, soy milk, hash browns, pate', carrots, cheesecake, venison, cheez puffs, pumpkin pie, cool whip icing, fake grape or watermelon flavor, blood sausage, sauerkraut (except on a reuben), scallops, meat on pizza.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
My friends? No. Enemies? Irritating Acquaintances? Sure. People in bad outfits? Absolutely.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Not in the face. I've been in a few fights (long ago), but I've only lost one. Ironically, it was the only time I fought a girl.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
Nope. That's for christians.

31. How old were you when you think you actually became a grown up?
When I realized there was no one in the world above my son, and that I would die or kill to protect him.

32. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I'd love to visit Spain, Paris, the Galapagos Islands, Canada, Ireland, Morocco, Macchu Pichu, Vermont, Hong Kong, and Hawaii.

33. Have you ever been in the hospital?
Yep.

34. Are you happy with your life today?
I am in love with my life today.

35. Have you ever had a stalker?
Yep. Some loser I went to school with, which is why I have an unlisted number now.

Yes and No

Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes

Been arrested? yes

Kissed someone you didn't like? nope

Slept in until 5 PM? yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? yes

Held a snake? yes

Ran a red light? yes

Been suspended from school? no

Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? no, but I've had a few that were difficult to drive away from.

Been fired from a job? yes, once.

Sang karaoke? yes

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? no, but it has come out my mouth.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes

Kissed in the rain? yes

Sang in the shower? yes

Sat on a rooftop? yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? no

Broken a bone? only one--my thumb when I was 5. My mom caught it in the Bronco door.

Shaved your head? yes

Blacked out from drinking? only once. Damn you, Chicken!

Played a prank on someone? I'm not the pranking type.

Felt like killing someone? yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife cry? yes

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? no

Been in a band? yes. Two, actually.

Shot a gun? yes

Donated blood? no.

Eaten alligator meat? yes, it was delish.

Eaten cheesecake? yes, but I don't like it that much.

Still love someone you shouldn't? no

Think about the future? yes

Believe in love? yes

Sleep on a certain side of the bed? yes, but I don't have a hard-on about it.

Talk in your sleep? yes, apparentally

Laughed until you peed your pants? um, no

Spend too much time on facebook? all time on facebook is too much time, and yet...

Play a musical instrument? yes, piano

Lived outside of the country? not lived, but visited.

Been skinny dipping? yes

Gone sky diving? no

Reasons Justin Theroux just might be God.

1. The man can wear a hat. And look natural, and effortlessly stylish, and cool, and badass. I can't name on one hand the number of men in this day and age that can do that. (Mike Ness and John Hamm come to mind, and no others, really.)

2. Actually, amend that to the man can wear anything. Whether in a tux or a suit, jeans and a hoodie, a cool motorcycle jacket you wish your husband had, or hell, nothing at all, he never looks out of place. Some guys just have style without looking like they're trying. Cary Grant had it, Clooney has it, Justin Theroux has it in spades.

3. All of which is undoubtedly helped by the fact that the man is plasma hot. Seriously, this is the finest brother in Hollywood these days.

4. Even with the looks, he's still wildly talented. Acting, writing, and now directing, he's got the skills to pay the bills. Tropic Thunder was half his and half Stiller's, and they hit it out of the box. And anyone who's seen his turns in Mulholland Drive and Six Feet Under knows the boy's got the acting thing down pat.

5. He's been in not one, but two David Lynch films. The aforementioned Mulholland Drive, where he played a movie director that steals the protagonist's love interest; and the lesser known Empire Falls, in which he's both creepy and alluring.




6. He reminds me of both a young Mike Ness and young Bruce Campbell. He has neither the former man's battle with heroin, nor the latter's anvil chin, but he definitely has a tinge of dangerous charm (Ness) and barely contained insane black humour (Campbell). Maybe it's the unruly eyebrows, or the piercing stare and angular features. It makes him look just a little cruel, and I like it like that.

7. The boy ain't just brunet, he black. Haired, that is. Dark hair is like kryptonite to me; even the chest thatch he sports in Six Feet Under isn't enough to deter a body-hair phobe like me. His hair and eyes are so black you can see stars collapsing on their perimeter and falling in. So dark even light doesn't escape.

8. He has a timeless air about him. Vampire fiction in all its flowery form sucks; that's a fact. And yet, were someone to cast Mr. Theroux as the walking dead, I wouldn't argue. He has the air of being around for millenia. Something about him seems as suited for the Industrial Revolution as the Information Age. Perhaps it's the glint of sarcastic, world-weary intelligence that shines out of his face. Or maybe he's been bathing in the blood of virgins at night. Whatever it is, it works.

9. He's going to be a good-looking man for a long time, possibly forever. You can tell some guys are going to be fantastic for years to come, and they don't come around often. That all-important combination of good looks, effortless style, intellect, studiousness, talent, artistry, psychological agility, street smarts and something my old teacher called "got-your-shit-togetherness" is not often found wrapped up in one person, and it's especially rare among the empty-headed self-indulgent Hollywood set. If he can sidestep the hard drugs, easy money, shit talkers, pneumatic coke-huffing bimbos and fastlane burnout, he could easily age as gracefully and fabulously as Paul Newman, who was splendid to his last breath.



So he might be God. Of course, I don't believe in God, but if forced to do so I want him to look like Justin Theroux. Slick as butter and twice as fine.

Q&A

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: Nope

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When we watched the PBS show on Oppenheimer, who built the bombs they dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I prefer typing.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Corned beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? One beautiful son.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Absolutely!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? With every waking breath.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I think so.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope. I'm not 24 anymore.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST? Pancakes with real maple syrup, dry scrambled eggs with an extra egg white, fresh mango and blueberries, strawberry orange juice, coffee with milk and sugar, and a glass of skim milk. Great, now I'm hungry.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? None of my shoes have ties.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Peppermint

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they look interesting.

15. RED OR PINK? Red, always.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am absolutely blind without my glasses.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My gramma, who passed in '07.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Yes, if they want to.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans, no shoes right now.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Mykonos by Fleet Foxes, PBS kids, and my son's electric keyboard demo.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Spring green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Mint, lilac, ylang ylang, fabric softener, my husband after a shower, my Aveda hair pomade

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Mia, last night.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I like Cat fine, even though I end up wasting a lot of time because of her. ;)

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Roller Derby and my husband's soccer games.

27. HAIR COLOR? Jet black with one blonde streak.

28. EYE COLOR? Green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can't. They give me migraines.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Indian food, buttercream frosting on red velvet cake, homemade candy, real maple syrup, hot and sour soup, mangoes, grapefruit juice, feta cheese, sushi of any kind, pineapple pizza, toasted marshmallow latte.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Can't watch horror movies, but I don't need a happy ending. I prefer suspenseful movies, or good character studies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? All the way through? The Dark Knight. Which was even better than I remembered.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black and grey off-shoulder 3/4 sleeve top.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? I prefer winter over summer, but I love spring and fall.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? If it's from a friend, both. If it's someone I don't know real well, a handshake will do.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Handmade buttermints.

37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH. For my son to grow up happy and healthy, and for my husband to finish his book and get it published so he doesn't have to work anymore.

38. WHAT (in general) IRRITATES YOU? People who don't have their shit together, people who are shiftless, people who make others suffer because of their own greed, fundamentalists, people having kids who can't properly care for them, and politicians who don't blink at bailing out their rich friends in the banking industry while expecting union workers to jump through hoops to get less than a 10th of the same money.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I've read everything in my house.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? No mouse pad.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? I sort of watched Scrubs reruns while my husband and I fell asleep on the couch.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Good music, my son's voice, snow falling, my husband's laugh, cats purring.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither. I prefer the musicians they ripped off.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Portugal.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Singing, drawing, painting, dancing, sewing, acting, dirty jokes, fashion design, web design, talking shit, creative writing, making candy, baking, and throwing a right hook.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis.

47. WHAT WAS THE LAST NICE THING YOU DID FOR SOMEONE?
I hugged my son and told him I loved him.

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I met him in a horrible art class at Meramec. I thought he was cute, so I decided he would be my friend.

25 Movies I can't live Without.

I borrowed this concept from Amanda Michel, whose movie choices are much cooler and less well known than mine, I think.

These aren't necessarily the movies I've seen the most (I've watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy an embarrassing amount of times), but they are the ones that have struck that chord deep inside me that says "This! This is home!" I wonder what that says about me.

1. Death Proof. Not Quentin Tarantino's best known work, but my favourite by far of his oeuvre. Sexy girls, sailor talk, fantastic soundtrack, muscle cars, and bloody revenge. Hot damn!

2. LA Confidential. Proof that not all movies set in the 50's have to be Grease. Not that there's anything wrong with Grease (also on this list), but the 50's were like any other time in history; some bad shit went down. Fills the noir theme without being derivative. Hell, it even got me to like Kim Basinger.

3. Velvet Goldmine. Set in one of the most fun (and oft forgotten) periods of music history: the Glam years. Purported to be loosely based on the supposed affair between Ziggy-era Bowie and Iggy Pop, this movie is a glitter-crusted heroin spike: sweet as candy on the outside and rotten to the core. Plus, any movie where Ewan MacGregor takes his pants off can't be all bad.

4. Hedwig. I don't even need to explain why this is on here, do I? It's a car wash, ladies and gentleman!

5. Mulholland Drive. I love just about everything David Lynch touches, even the things that I don't understand at all, but since I'm a little in love with Laura Elena Harring and a LOT in love with Justin Theroux, this movie spends a lot of time in my VCR. That's right, I love it so much I actually brave the technology of the 80's to watch it.

6. Desperately Seeking Susan. Sure, Madonna can't act (or sing for that matter). But nothing takes me back to the girl I was in high school like this movie. Not because the fab New Yawk locales look anything even close to my horrid suburban hometown, but because at that time of my life I wanted to be Madge's character--running from hoods, living out of people's houses, being quick witted and light on my feet and beholden to no one. Like everything we like when we're young, this just takes me back.

7. Mystery Train. Love Jim Jarmusch, and this is one of his best films. Any movie that casts Screamin' Jay Hawkins, the ghost of Elvis, and the late Joe Strummer is virtually guaranteed greatness.

8. City of Lost Children. Actually, everything this director does is fabulous, but this magical french tale of an elderly despot who kidnaps children to steal their dreams is filled with so much dark wonder that you can't take your eyes off it. What other movie boasts crazy narcoleptic scientist clones, a midget nurse with a towering hairdo, a talking brain in a jar and murderous conjoined hag twins? No one, that's who.

9. Ghost World. The first time I watched this movie I felt like someone had filmed my brain in high school. Except made it funnier and cooler than it ever was in real life.

10. Mystery Men. Misfit Superheroes save the world. With forks and flatulence. Seriously, everything about this movie rocks. If you haven't seen it, you should.

11. Iron Giant. I saw this in the theater 4 times. I cried like a cholicky baby 3.5 times. Pure brilliance.

12. Another State of Mind. Of course this movie is going to be on my list. Besides being a chunk of late 80's punk rock history, it's also filled with unintentionally hilarious footage of early Social Distortion. Being several huge fans of Social Distortion myself, I have to include this on any list of films I make.

13. Grease. The ironic thing is that I wasn't allowed to see this in the theatre when I was little. My mom thought it was too risque, and so I was well into my 20's before I saw it. So of course I watched it, like 5 times in one sitting. My favourite character is Rizzo, because Sandy is an annoying twat until the very end.

14. Silence of the Lambs. My fascination with abnormal psychology aside, this movie is extremely well made, and the performances are perfect to a man. What other movie about serial murderers warranted an Oscar? None that I can think of. Maybe Zodiac, but not many others.

15. Crybaby. Yeah, it's not his best work, but Johnny Depp in a leather jacket and pompadour can make you forgive a lot of things. Plus, this list is what I like, and I admittedly like some corny things.

16. Pretty in Pink. Oh c'mon. I'm a girl who was a teenager in the 80's. It's practically stamped on my DNA to like this movie.

17. Usual Suspects. I've watched this movie 100+ times and the ending still gets me.

18. Kill Bill. I'm going to count both parts as one movie because I usually watch them back to back. You either love Tarantino or hate him. I love him, and I love this movie.

19. High Fidelity. The cast is excellent, the writing is top-notch, and Jack Black gets to be his Jack Blackiest. Every character in this film reminds me of everyone I've ever met.

20. Heathers. This is the last time Christian slater was cool. But boy, was he cool.

21. Spirited Away. Such a beautiful film! I love Miyazaki's style, but this film is his most accessible for me. I wish our kid hadn't gotten the DVD out of the case and broken it. :(

22. Wall-E. Speaking of our little one, he watches this movie 3 times a day, every day. And you know what? I still like it.

23. Tropic Thunder. This movie is just fucking funny, with an unbelievable performance by Robert Downey Jr. "I'm a lead farmer, mothafucker!" Priceless.

24. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Even with Mickey Rooney's undeniably racist performance and the movie's departure from Capote's original story, it's still one of my favourite movies. Audrey Hepburn is transcendent, as always.

25. Dazed & Confused. Richard Linklater is the master at capturing the feel of a moment. Every minute of this movie feels less like film and more like time-travelling voyeurism. We've all known these people, even if some of us were too young to have passed through the 70's firsthand. this movie gets promoted as a moronic pothead comedy, but it's much, much deeper than that.

There, I'm finished. I'm sure I've forgotten some of my very favourites, and I'll question my tastes in ten years, but it's done, and it's perfect in this instant so I'll leave it be.

HOW NOT TO BE A SHITHEAD

HOW NOT TO BE A SHITHEAD. IN 10 EASY STEPS.
Current mood: cranky


HOW NOT TO BE A SHITHEAD.

In my 37 years on this planet, I've started to notice a shift in the amount of people determined to ignore even the most basic tenets of common courtesy. More of them seem to appear each day, as though there were a planet-wide virus attacking entire nations, or a birth defect popping up like hanger proliferation in the closet. I have a name for these people. I like to call them shitheads.

You know who they are. They aren't horrible people. They haven't killed anyone; they don't routinely kick puppies. They aren't overtly racist or sexist, and they wouldn't dream of beating their kids with kitchen implements. Yet shitheads they are: the guy who farts in the elevator, the woman who whistles the Bee Gees in the cubicle next to you, the woman who lets her Great Dane take a Great Shit on your lawn, or the guy who holds up the line for coffee because he's too busy discussing his fantasy football drafts on his cell phone to notice the barista stabbing him in the neck with a pen.

So to vaccinate you, gentle reader, (and I can't for the life of me understand why you would, in fact, want to read the words of a crotchety gal like me, but there you are) against this scourge of shitheadism, I have outlined some fairly obvious rules of ettiquette, even though I'm sure you are a lovely person who has never been guilty of any of the following transgressions. At least not without some shots of Old Crow in you.

1. Your cell phone? Hang it up. Unless you're lost, your baby is lost, your dog is lost, your baby and your dog are lost, the dingo ate your baby, you are locked out of your car, you are locked out of your house, your car or house is aflame, or you are bleeding profusely from multiple wounds, you don't need to clutter up an already noise-polluted world with detailed discussions of your latest pap smear. This goes double for anyone in a situation where you 're dealing with a real life person, (because that is the height and breadth of rudeness, really) triple if you are in a movie theater, and quadruple if you're piloting a motor vehicle. You aren't that interesting, and there aren't phone booths in the middle of restaurants for a reason. Learn the art of saying little. You're much smarter that way.

2. Hold the door for people if they're right behind you. And thank them if they do it for you, which they will if they aren't jerks. Don't worry about whether the person will take offense to being helped; only shitheads get offended by someone giving them an honest gesture of courtesy. I don't know about you, but I get a lot more offended having a door swung shut in my face. Stuff like that leaves nasty karmic debts I like to repay sometimes by kicking you in the kneecap ever so gently.

3. Don't talk about people so they can hear you, even accidentally. Look, we all talk about strangers behind their backs. I know I do. Hell, I'm a connoisseur of jonesing on folks; as far as I'm concerned, that's the whole reason Uggs were invented--what other reason could there be? But I am always, always careful to do so out of earshot of the victim. There is no reason to hurt someone's feelings who isn't doing you any harm, even if they did dress themselves like Paris Hilton doing the Walk of Shame or doused themselves in patchouli in lieu of bathing. People who hurt people's feelings callously and carelessly are doomed to have ass rabies in the next life. And speaking of patchouli…

4. Wash your stinky ass, you hippie. Seriously. I know people get sweaty sometimes, and you can't always go home and take that four hour shower when you're running from place to place, but there's stink, and then there's stink. There are things I don't want to smell on another person, and they are: pits, bits, breff, and feets. Not necessarily in that order, either. And don't think store-bought smell covers it up. It doesn't. You're just mingling one bad smell with another until you're one big stink cocktail. And keep the farts to yourself until you're not in a small confined space; if you can't, you need to rethink that plate of broccoli at lunch.

5. Realize that if you don't have kids, you have NO IDEA how to be a parent. Dogs and cats don't fucking count. Not even a little. Parents cannot put their children down if they get a disease that costs thousands of dollars to fix. They similarly cannot put little Billy in a kennel if they decide to go to Vegas for the weekend. And it may surprise the childless among you to know that parents have little to no control over their child's temperament; that's a genetic role of the dice. An easygoing kid was born that way. The parents deserve no special credit. So if you 're out somewhere and there's a kid nearby who's having a fit and the parents are trying everything in their power to settle them down, keep your thoughts to your fucking self. You were a horrible kid too. Because you're past your terrible twos doesn't mean you get to expect every other toddler to act like a thirty year old. Don't like kids? Stay the fuck home. Unless you're in a four star restaurant, an R-rated movie, a bar, or a crack house, you have to share this planet with the next generation. Get the fuck over it. That said…

6. There are places small kids don't belong. Restaurants with more than 2 forks per place setting. College lecture halls. Tattoo parlors. Quiet libraries. The Neverland Ranch. Kids have limits on attention spans, patience, and quiet beatitude: don't exasperate theirs and those around you by expecting them to be something they aren't. When they're letting their inner demons do all the talking, it's time to haul it home. Whenever you can, make sure that they aren't out in public without being well-rested, well-fed, and with a Santa's bag full of toys to keep them busy for as long as you can. Never expect sales staff or restaurant workers to baby-sit for you. After all, Michael Devlin worked at Imo's for years, and you see how he parents.

7. Tip your wait staff. 20% is the norm, not a great tip. If you don't have the money for a tip, eat at McDonald's, you cheap bastard. Otherwise get used to the taste of spit and derision.

8. Don't talk to me about Jesus. Or Muhammad. Or Jehovah, or Allah, or the Mother Goddess, or Thor, or veganism, or fantasy football, or the Grateful Dead, or anything else tinged with religious zealotry. I don't know you well enough to have you preach to me, and really, isn't it the height of arrogance to assume any person past 18 can't make up their own mind? Similarly, don't tell me you're praying for me. Give me a cup of coffee and an Ipod if you want to help me. Anything else is done for your own self-righteousness, which is just pride. And if I remember anything from all the years of sleeping through church as a teenager, that's a sin or something.

9. For god's sake, the foreigners conversing nearby aren't talking about YOU. Are you that self-centered? Really? If you went all the way to another country, would you talk about nothing else with your companions save the people next to you? Have some common sense, you asshound. And hey, let's play devil's advocate: say they are talking about you in their native tongue. You have no idea what they're saying, so why do you care?

10. Kill yourself in the privacy of your own home: don't use the highway to do it. Cars are not toys, penis extensions, phone booths, reading rooms, wet bars, proof that you are a god, indestructible, or made of bubble wrap. What they are is huge adult responsibilities that can kill small children or somebody's gramma if you pilot them impaired by legal or illegal substances, sleepy, on the phone, or just plain distracted. So really, if for any reason you feel you're unable to drive like a sane and reasonable adult, ride the fucking bus. Don't tailgate, swerve from lane to lane, forget your blinkers exist, drag race, cut people off, drive in the center lane, speed through parking lots, run red lights, or refuse to pull over for emergency vehicles. Because if someone comes home to discover you killed their only child because you had to take a call from your caterer, they're going to be justified in shooting you in the face.

So yeah. Shitheadism. Try to avoid it in the future, and encourage others gently to avoid it as well. After all, the world is only getting more and more populated, and if we all keep acting like it's our own private planet, it's going to be a pretty unhappy place to live. At least for you. I'll be in the water tower with a high-powered rifle.