1. The man can wear a hat. And look natural, and effortlessly stylish, and cool, and badass. I can't name on one hand the number of men in this day and age that can do that. (Mike Ness and John Hamm come to mind, and no others, really.)
2. Actually, amend that to the man can wear anything. Whether in a tux or a suit, jeans and a hoodie, a cool motorcycle jacket you wish your husband had, or hell, nothing at all, he never looks out of place. Some guys just have style without looking like they're trying. Cary Grant had it, Clooney has it, Justin Theroux has it in spades.
3. All of which is undoubtedly helped by the fact that the man is plasma hot. Seriously, this is the finest brother in Hollywood these days.
4. Even with the looks, he's still wildly talented. Acting, writing, and now directing, he's got the skills to pay the bills. Tropic Thunder was half his and half Stiller's, and they hit it out of the box. And anyone who's seen his turns in Mulholland Drive and Six Feet Under knows the boy's got the acting thing down pat.
5. He's been in not one, but two David Lynch films. The aforementioned Mulholland Drive, where he played a movie director that steals the protagonist's love interest; and the lesser known Empire Falls, in which he's both creepy and alluring.
6. He reminds me of both a young Mike Ness and young Bruce Campbell. He has neither the former man's battle with heroin, nor the latter's anvil chin, but he definitely has a tinge of dangerous charm (Ness) and barely contained insane black humour (Campbell). Maybe it's the unruly eyebrows, or the piercing stare and angular features. It makes him look just a little cruel, and I like it like that.
7. The boy ain't just brunet, he black. Haired, that is. Dark hair is like kryptonite to me; even the chest thatch he sports in Six Feet Under isn't enough to deter a body-hair phobe like me. His hair and eyes are so black you can see stars collapsing on their perimeter and falling in. So dark even light doesn't escape.
8. He has a timeless air about him. Vampire fiction in all its flowery form sucks; that's a fact. And yet, were someone to cast Mr. Theroux as the walking dead, I wouldn't argue. He has the air of being around for millenia. Something about him seems as suited for the Industrial Revolution as the Information Age. Perhaps it's the glint of sarcastic, world-weary intelligence that shines out of his face. Or maybe he's been bathing in the blood of virgins at night. Whatever it is, it works.
9. He's going to be a good-looking man for a long time, possibly forever. You can tell some guys are going to be fantastic for years to come, and they don't come around often. That all-important combination of good looks, effortless style, intellect, studiousness, talent, artistry, psychological agility, street smarts and something my old teacher called "got-your-shit-togetherness" is not often found wrapped up in one person, and it's especially rare among the empty-headed self-indulgent Hollywood set. If he can sidestep the hard drugs, easy money, shit talkers, pneumatic coke-huffing bimbos and fastlane burnout, he could easily age as gracefully and fabulously as Paul Newman, who was splendid to his last breath.
So he might be God. Of course, I don't believe in God, but if forced to do so I want him to look like Justin Theroux. Slick as butter and twice as fine.
