10 Things You Should Never, Ever Wear

1. Crocs. Besides being the consistency of Circus Peanuts that have been left in the sun too long, these eyesores-for-your-feet are like sweat sponges; they soak up every disgusting drop and let it out later as eye-ball peeling stench. Plus, they ugly baby. They real ugly.

2. Sports bras as shirts. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's a bra, lady, and not a very good one at that. Just because you want to mistreat your boobs doesn't mean the rest of us should have to watch.

3. High-waisted pants. Otherwise known as a Cameltoe Kit.

4. Leggings worn as pants. Look, you Fucking Hipster, there is NOTHING to separate what you are attired in from bike shorts. Great, you covered your knees. I can still see your vulva.

5. Which brings me to...Bike Shorts. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYOHGODMYEYES!

6. Whale Tails and Droopy Drawers. Pull up your fucking pants. You're not at home, you're not in your room. You're in public, and your ugliness is filling up my eyes and making me wish I was born blind. I'm pretty sure I can see shit particles floating in the air as you walk by, and all I can think when I see you is "future fry cook of America."

7. Uggs. The exception to this rule is my fabulous friend Mia, who took the Ugg concept and had it turned up to 11. Think Pepto-Bismol-hued fuzzy foot explosion, and you're about right. But you aren't her, and you can't rock those.

8. Sweatpants. Have you given up? Should we get you an intervention? Are you planning on killing yourself and we need to call someone? Or are you just attired thus? Let us know, all right? We care.

9. Tie-dye. I'm so sorry, sir, it seems someone puked Spin-art onto your clothing. You should probably see about that. You wouldn't want it to stain your shirt permanently that way.

10. Embellished Denim. Here's a partial list of things your jeans should NOT have on them: screenprinting, velvet flocking, ties up the back, ties up the side, bleach spots, studs, rhinestones, embroidery, acid wash, ties up the crotch, factory whiskering, storebought holes, appliques, big fake wear patterns on the thighs that make it look like you were dragged behind a truck, a tag from Wal-Mart, lace, or any combination of the above. Go to the store, find a pair of well-cut dark or medium denim jeans in your size with NO extra shit on them, and buy them. Then burn everything else you have. Just do it for me, okay? The eyes of the world will thank you.

(A special mention should go here for my friend Robin's Grateful Dead pajama pants, but since that's pretty specific to her, I can't put it on the actual list. But Oh honey, I love you, but no.)

Robert Fricke, please do us all a favour and kill yourself.

KSDK -- A man was charged with grabbing and choking a seven-year-old boy in the men's restroom of the Fairview Heights Target store.

40-year-old Robert Fricke of Red Bud, Illinois allegedly grabbed the boy around his neck while the boy's mother stood outside the restroom Sunday afternoon. Police said that after the boy screamed, the mother went in and with employees detained Fricke until police arrived.

Police said Fricke has no criminal history and was in the store doing some shopping with his mother, whom investigators said he lives with.

The child was not seriously hurt.

Fricke faces a misdemeanor assault charge and was jailed under $100 bond.

KSDK

Seriously, asshole. Kill yourself. It's the only good thing you'll ever do. Better yet, since you're such a loser that you still live with your mom, maybe Mom should do it. C'mon, Mom. Bullet to the head.

Less inspiring am I.

Just so I'm not slicking on my 30 days: yesterday I was completely uninteresting in grey burnout tee with silver anchor, grey skinn jeans, and flip flops. Today I am similarly monochromatic in blue-grey star tee, straightleg cuffed jeans, and the selfsame black flip-flops. No time for fashion when you're going to be moving heavy things.

2 days before Big Ass!

Quick post today, then it's off to pick up stuff from Cooperella: black strapless knit top, straightleg cuffed jeans, aqua canvas peeptoe cork bottom wedges, silver hoop earrings, clean hair up in a messy bun with pinned back bangs, and a painted face.

No time! No time!

Quick, quick, quick, then off to dayout. No time to get ready today:grey and navy v-neck wide striped tee, cuffed straightleg jeans, metallic gold flip flops and gold hoop earrings. Giant bug-eye sunglasses, no makeup, and pocahontas braids. I look about 14.

Down to the wire

Busy, busy, busy. Screening and tagging and inventorying and epoxying and cleaning today. Basic blue jeans, royal blue top, hair up in messy bun, no makeup or shoes. Probably stay that way all day.

3 day backup

Slacked off for the last few days, so here's an update: Sunday: lazed around in a babydoll dress and no shoes. Yesterday, loose black top, dark indigo skinny jeans, bronze sandals and bronze hoops. Today: forest green strapless dress, gold metallic flip flops, gold hoop earrings. Hair down and sort of behaving.

Bad day, good clothes. Day 8.

If all else fails, dress cute: long fitted scoopneck tee from Target with birds and flowers on front, cuffed straightleg jeans, silver hoop earrings, and aqua blue canvas peeptoe mules with cork wedges. Hair is clean but untidy, up in a ponytail.

And on the seventh day she was FIERCE.

Day 7, one week in. Olive green and white mod circle printed short sleeved knit dress, nude cami top under, my favourite bronze platform sandals, gold hoop earrings, and 3rd day hair that's holding up nicely due to the low humidity. I like it so much I may stay in it all day.

Black Gold, Texas Tea.

Day 5? 6? 6. Black rayon tie backed tank top, straightleg cuffed jeans (Converse One Star--my favourite!), bronze strappy disco platform sandals and antique gold hoop earrings, messy ponytail getting messier by the day.

Day 4, technically 5: Pneumatic Fanatic

Outfitted with strapless light green knit babydoll dress with shirred top, big bugeyed sunglasses, silver hoops and flipflops. Still can't find the black ones. :( Oh yeah, and one revved up kiddo. We're going to the park before my workday resumes.

Day 3: Black and Teal

Day 3: all-Beqi outfit: black rayon tie-back tank, teal matte jersey double ruffle skirt, silver flip flops (since one of my black ones has gone missing), big silver hoop earrings, messy ponytail, yellow barrel purse, and kid.

I should mention that the skirt I'm wearing is one that will be available on http://www.beqiclothing.com, and I've already got an advance order for one. It's pretty smashing.

Day two-Nautical Miss Piggy

Day two of outfit diary, only 28 to go: navy and grey wide striped v-neck tee, deep indigo overdyed skinny jeans, bronze platform sandals, bronze hoop earrings, and newly dried ponytail. Yellow barrel purse, because I love navy and yellow together. Very nautical.

30 days of fashion.

I'm going again to attempt to catalog outfits for a month. Yesterday: forest green strapless knit dress with bottom ruffle. Yellow patent leather strappy platform whore stilletos. Red silk orchid in hair. Today, jade green brocade lounge pants and black tank top. Possibly an all-day outfit, I can't tell yet.

Week 2 of my Outfit Diary

Monday: day four: deep teal green cotton peasant dress with black cinch belt, gunmetal hoop earrings, bare feet, and dazed expression.

Tuesday: I'm kind of excited about today's outfit, since I made the top this morning in an hour: light aqua burnout knit drapeneck top with ruffle sleeves and banded bottom, black tank underneath, cuffed straightleg jeans, and bronze Miss Piggy approved platform birdcage wedge sandals.

Wednesday: Today, an all-Beqi outfit: black knit dolman sleeved top with a wide banded bottom, teal matte jersey knit 3/4 skirt with double ruffle, bronze birdcage sandals, and freshly minted toes.

Friday: Okay, I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so here's two outfits for the diary: yesterday--knee length cuffed skinny jean shorts, black dolman sleeved top, black cork wedge sandals. Today--similar jean shorts, royal blue babydoll top, black flip flops.

Saturday: Almost forgot: today, I mostly wore a light green knit strapless babydoll dress and bronze platform sandals, but now that I'm going to the bar I've changed into a Social D tee, skinny dark denim jeans, and wedge sandals.

Sunday: Outside today: black wide strap tencel blousey tank with back ties, skinny blue jeans and black gladiator sandals. Taking jewelry supplies with me to make some earrings.

Wednesday: Missed the last two days, but they warn't much to speak of. Today's is better: black flip-flops, cuffed grey skinny jeans, black tank top under a deep olive green sheer sweater knit dress (It's much lighter than it sounds), silver hoop earrings. Hair is up in a messy bun.

Outfit Diary: 6/5 - 6/30

In an effort to get into the habit of blogging a little more often, I'm going to post a weekly synopsis of my outfits for each day, in an effort to illustrate how inane blogging sometimes is. :)

6/5: I am wearing a blue striped scoopneck tee I made, skinny blue jeans, black gladiator sandals, and big hoop earrings. (I later changed to short denim shorts, because we went to the Botanical Gardens and it was a squillion degrees. Then I caught sight of myself in a mirror and wished I hadn't.)

6/6: Day two of the outfit diary: mint green tissue weight tee with art nouveau print, grey skinny jeans, big black Jackie O. sunglasses, gladiator sandals, black hobo bag I could smuggle a small child in. (This was my stepfamily's reunion day at Pere Marquette, so when I got there I changed into a hand-altered "Dressel Reunion" tee. Later, when we briefly attempted to take our exhausted kiddo sans nap to dinner, I changed into a fluttery dark teal knit dress with a ruffle down the front.)

6/7: boring today: flutter sleeved scoopneck black knit top, cuffed straightleg jeans, and bright blue flip flops. At least my hair is clean.

Some musings on a Sunday afternoon.

I am a hopeless romantic. And yet, I hate romance movies with every fiber of my being. Why? Because they trivialize love; forcing it into awkward, gimmick-laden situations until the stories become indistinguishable from one another. No earth has been trod so well as the path of romantic comedy; the dirt will no longer keep any imprint of substance.

Also, it bothers me that the part of the romance these films focus on is inevitably the least interesting: namely, the beginning. It is impossible to love at first sight, love requires deep knowledge of another person. Love requires understanding their needs, thoughts, wants, ideas, pasts, and ideologies.

You cannot call an emotion love not honed over years, not without being familiar with the bad habits and human weaknesses of your intended. Intimacy without emotion is not intimacy, it's a prolonged one-night stand, and it's as shallow as an brief one. One night stands or short-term couplings are fine for them's that like them; I have no moral qualms with people fulfilling sexual needs, even if I myself am not interested in sex without connection. Just don't call it love, for that debases us all and belittles the scope of the thing.

The beginning of a bond is always its most tenuous. Love takes patience, faith, and the foresight of mind to reevaluate yourself and your needs in the face of cooperative communication. A bond that weakens over time is just falling to the inevitable errors in its inception, playing out its errant course. But make no mistake, the signs were there at the start.

People who are truly in love with one another have seen sides of the other person you don't see in the honeymoon stage, and borne it out. Romantic comedies (and frequently dramas) stay in safer waters, prefering the cute over the substancial. But real love is far more murky; deep, complicated, and dark.

Love grows out of life: out of stress, out of miscommunication, out of grief, tenderness, humanity and toil. True love fights, even to the death. True love is not for the weak, the selfish, the arrogant, the impatient, the greedy, and the childish. It will bear them in the short-term, but in order to keep two people happy they both have to be willing to shrug off bad habits over time; it is unfair to ask someone else to suffer anything in you that you are not willing to suffer in them. The honeymoon stage may be all well and good for the romance industry, but love requires more; it requires you to change for the better, which doesn't sell as many diamonds.

Romance is all well and good, but give me love every time. Just don't confuse the two in the public mind, because meeting cute does not happily ever after make.

Facebook wastes my time beautifully.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yep. Several times, actually. Not once did I give them a reason to do so. Cops suck.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Abso-frickin'-lutely. When you can get me on them, that is.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
The last big snow. I went, and there is video footage.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Sometimes with, sometimes not. That's why we have a big couch.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Unfortunately, yes. Because I can sense them and they like to fuck with me as a result.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yep.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Does the pope wear a stupid hat?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Angeline Jolie, after someone feeds her 18 pies.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
I know a lot about politics, which is why I keep out of it.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Ish.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I've been awake for 72 hours straight before. At the end of which I had a slight nervous breakdown, followed by a roughly 17 hour nap. Insomnia sucks.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
good god, I don't know.

13. Who was your first love?
Speed Racer

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Nope.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Everyone over the age of 6 does.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I hate baseball.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
I've repeatedly fallen down on an ice rink before. Does that count?

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Every night. And I have some doozies.

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
Money.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Ever since dating Eddie, I do.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
organization.

22. Do you like Sushi?
Love it.

23. What do you wear to bed?
Um, I sleep nude.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
No one who doesn't deserve it.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Mike Ness.

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
Yep. Two for murder one.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Taco Bell, Dominos, McDonald's, diet soda, raisins, french toast, peas, american cheese, bologna, white bread, mayonnaise, Red Bull, Budweiser beer products, barbecue potato chips, fake maple syrup, cheap ice cream, vegetarian meat, soy milk, hash browns, pate', carrots, cheesecake, venison, cheez puffs, pumpkin pie, cool whip icing, fake grape or watermelon flavor, blood sausage, sauerkraut (except on a reuben), scallops, meat on pizza.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
My friends? No. Enemies? Irritating Acquaintances? Sure. People in bad outfits? Absolutely.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Not in the face. I've been in a few fights (long ago), but I've only lost one. Ironically, it was the only time I fought a girl.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
Nope. That's for christians.

31. How old were you when you think you actually became a grown up?
When I realized there was no one in the world above my son, and that I would die or kill to protect him.

32. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I'd love to visit Spain, Paris, the Galapagos Islands, Canada, Ireland, Morocco, Macchu Pichu, Vermont, Hong Kong, and Hawaii.

33. Have you ever been in the hospital?
Yep.

34. Are you happy with your life today?
I am in love with my life today.

35. Have you ever had a stalker?
Yep. Some loser I went to school with, which is why I have an unlisted number now.

Chick Flicks have it all wrong.

Love isn't long romantic weekends full of flowers, diamonds, and hand-kissing. Nor is it steamy, semi-sleazy, fervent coupling in a rainy meadow. (though I wouldn't knock it, it's quite lovely.) These things are nice, but they're transient, impractical, and ultimately unsustainable.

Love is watching your husband fall asleep with a book and a cat on his lap, while you both watch Law & Order reruns on Channel 46 at 10:00 on a Friday night. It's the way you're both exhausted from your respective days, yet still want to be in each other's company. It's the heavy leg he throws over your lap, the soft blanket covering the two of you that you both bought when you purchased the couch, and the way you can recognize the sound of his snoring in a crowded room.

It's learning that you made the right choice, all those years ago, when you decided to take a chance on a guy six years your junior, because he was cute and could use the word 'anaerobic' correctly in a sentence. It's learning that comfort doesn't equal boredom, and that your definition of freedom can widen when you meet the right person. It's letting the cynic inside of you quiet a little, because you don't have to use it to protect yourself anymore.

In the long run, it's a lot more satisfying than anything starring Kate Hudson ever will be. True love will change you, but it will always be for the better.

Douchebag Recipe

Take one average, desperately ordinary guy, add the following:

Button-down shirt, untucked, with long sleeves inexplicably rolled up to the middle of the forearm
Boot-cut mall-bought jeans, with artificially distressed cuffs, light to medium wash
Any of the following: boring brown leather shoes, overstyled loafers, tevas, birkenstocks, adidas slides, or trainers.
Crispy Ryan Seacrest hair

Voila! Instant Douchebag!

Now that you've made one, shoot him. Shoot him before he breeds with the girl he just roofied and passes on his douchebag genes to a new generation.

Yes and No

Kissed any one of your facebook friends? Yes

Been arrested? yes

Kissed someone you didn't like? nope

Slept in until 5 PM? yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? yes

Held a snake? yes

Ran a red light? yes

Been suspended from school? no

Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? no, but I've had a few that were difficult to drive away from.

Been fired from a job? yes, once.

Sang karaoke? yes

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? no, but it has come out my mouth.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes

Kissed in the rain? yes

Sang in the shower? yes

Sat on a rooftop? yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? no

Broken a bone? only one--my thumb when I was 5. My mom caught it in the Bronco door.

Shaved your head? yes

Blacked out from drinking? only once. Damn you, Chicken!

Played a prank on someone? I'm not the pranking type.

Felt like killing someone? yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife cry? yes

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? no

Been in a band? yes. Two, actually.

Shot a gun? yes

Donated blood? no.

Eaten alligator meat? yes, it was delish.

Eaten cheesecake? yes, but I don't like it that much.

Still love someone you shouldn't? no

Think about the future? yes

Believe in love? yes

Sleep on a certain side of the bed? yes, but I don't have a hard-on about it.

Talk in your sleep? yes, apparentally

Laughed until you peed your pants? um, no

Spend too much time on facebook? all time on facebook is too much time, and yet...

Play a musical instrument? yes, piano

Lived outside of the country? not lived, but visited.

Been skinny dipping? yes

Gone sky diving? no

Some thoughts on a Saturday morning

I don't know how many people, if any, read this blog. (Robin, hush, I'm not discounting you, sweetie!) As such, I feel the things I say here have some anonymity in that they are a drop in the sea of a very large blogging ocean, and I generally speak my mind while keeping details about my past private. But lately I've been wanting to write down, journal style, some of the things I've been mulling over about my past that are a common theme for me. I don't usually discuss this side of my life, as I'm generally afraid of public perception surrounding this topic, and having been labelled one thing or another the entirety of my young life, I tend to avoid it.

Having a child, however, causes you to look some demons you'd rather keep hidden square in the face. Any leftover trauma you have regarding your parents (and I have legion) gets pulled out and put on the table to be dissected. If you're a basically healthy person, you suck it up and dive in, hoping that you'll come out of the experience with a better understanding of yourself and the people around you. We are all, after all, human. We have weaknesses and faults, missteps and oversights. But the ability to examine these and try to change for the better separates us from our lesser selves. So it is in the spirit of self-examination that I print this for all to see today. Because by declaiming it quasi-publicly, I am hoping to set myself free of the shame it produces in secrecy.

For most of my youth, I was considered a bad kid. My mother and I did not get along to a pathological degree, and in the early 80's she discovered that she could have me locked up in the psych ward of our local hospital. I've found out in recent years that such forced semi-incarceration was en vogue during the Eighties for many parents who had medical insurance money to burn. Horrific as it was, there was somewhat of a trend. Without resorting to the legal (read:juvie) system poorer kids had to go through, you could have your child locked up, medicated, and out of your hair for as long as your insurance company kept footing the bill. I won't go into the details of my incarceration, only that all told, it took up nearly 2 1/2 years of my life, and it was fairly horrible.

I've been suffering with the stigma of (however misdiagnosed) mental illness for years, even though I adamantly believe I do not and have never had any of the illnesses that the doctors who cashed my mothers' checks diagnosed me with. It's telling that once I was out of my mother's home the symptoms of such 'illnesses' vanished, and I was able to live a normal happy life. Certainly at 38, with a child, business, husband, home, and active social life, I bear no hallmarks of being a maladjusted or 'sick' person. (my mother, on the other hand, is the same narcissistic hyperactive nutjob she's always been.)

Still, the stigma lays dormant in the back of my head, and like all mantras repeated to you when you're young, part of you will believe it to be true even when all evidence speaks to the contrary. It is primarily to fight this inner voice that I search the internet for reasoned dissent or calls to reasonably reform the psychiatric community, which I believe needs an overhaul, particularly for minors forced to be the sacrificial lambs of family disharmony.

So this morning I found an article on Norah Vincent's book "Voluntary Madness" and added this comment to the fray, and after some consideration decided to repost it here, because by broaching the subject voluntarily, I can take some of the sting out of its secretive status.

"I was the product of an unhappy broken home, with a mother who I now believe to have Munchausen By Proxy syndrome, a condition where the sufferer gets the attention and sympathy they crave by causing false medical conditions in their children. I was a teenager in the 80's, when forced juvenile psychiatric incarceration was enjoying a malevolent heyday.

I was diagnosed with everything from paranoid schizophrenia to psychosis to borderline personality disorder (which I now find out is pretty much a BS diagnosis to many in the field). Had I come of age in the ADHD fury, I'm sure I would have been slapped with that label as well. I was forcibly medicated for these conditions, none of which I had, or have ever had, with horrible side effects. (vomiting, zombie-like sluggishness, excessive sleep, weight gain, unstable mood swings, thoughts of suicide.) All of these conditions magically vanished when I was finally out of my mother's care. Once I got over the trauma of having spent 2 1/2 years incarcerated against my will and all that had happened to me as a result (including, but not limited to: molestation, assault, witnessing hard drug use and suicide attempts) I was a happy, healthy, highly functioning adult. I now run my own business and am raising a wonderful son.

My point is this: the psychiatric community dropped the ball en masse for me and many of my peers confined to these places. For every person actually struggling with a disease or condition, there were at least 10 others who were simply dropped off so that lazy, cruel, or clueless parents wouldn't have to do their jobs. That these hospitals were doing the job for them at an enormous profit sends a red flag up for me. It's seemingly very easy, in a family therapy situation, to side with the one holding the purse strings. Since every therapist not paid (directly or indirectly) by my mother said there was nothing wrong with me, I find it curious that the ones who did always had my mother's check in their hand. Whether deliberate or subconscious, the conflict of interest renders the diagnosis in such cases highly suspect, to say the least.

I am not a Scientologist, and I don't believe we should do away with the industry, which can do good when kept in check. But there is rampant abuse of the system, and it needs an overhaul. There is no such thing as a 'bad' or 'sick' individual in a healty family unit. The family dynamic should always be considered as a whole, because save for an organic or obvious physical defect, it is the entire family who is responsible for the behaviour of its members. No kid who acts out does so in a happy, healthy, functioning family, and if even a mismedicated teenage kid understands this, it boggles my mind why a slew of supposedly educated psychiatric professionals could have missed it.

Medication should be treated with caution, particularly in young people whose bodies are still maturing and developing. Great harm can be done by mismedicating."

I could spew volumes of text on this, but let me just say that the things I experienced have left in me a healthy dose of disrespect for the psychiatric community, especially where it relates to medication or incarceration of minors. Any teacher recommending Ritalin for my child better do so wearing a HazMat suit, because I'm holding the ball of my son's care, and I don't have the butterfingers my parents had.

Wipe Off That Angel Face, and Go Back to High School

IN HIGH SCHOOL DID YOU...

1. DID YOU DATE SOMEONE FROM YOUR SCHOOL?
I wouldn't call it 'dating'.

2. DID YOU MARRY SOMEONE FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL?
He went to my high school, but not while I was there. He's 6 years younger than me.

3. DID YOU CARPOOL TO SCHOOL?
No, I rode the bus. I couldn't drive until after I was 22.

4. WHAT KIND OF CAR DID YOU HAVE?
See above.

5. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE NOW?
2006 Pontiac Vibe. I love it.

6. IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT... WHERE WERE YOU THEN?
Usually reading or drawing. I was pretty withdrawn.

7. IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT... WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
Singing in my band, sewing, crafting, hanging out with my wonderful husband and lovely son, or my super fantastic friends.

8. WHERE DID YOU WORK?
At 15 I worked in the concession stand at Manchester Pool. Very nearly the worst job ever.

9. WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU DO NOW?
I own my own successful clothing and jewelry business.

10. WERE YOU A PARTY ANIMAL?
No, those days came later.

11. WERE YOU CONSIDERED A FLIRT?
Good god, no. I couldn't stand 99% of the guys in my high school.

12. WHAT EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES WERE YOU IN?
I was a true dork in high school, LOL. All extracurricular activities were off-campus.

13. WHERE YOU A NERD?
Yes, but I'm thankful for that now.

14. DID YOU GET SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED?
No, but I did drop out of my own volition in Junior year. I hated high school, and just wanted that part of my life over.

15. FAVORITE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY?
Leaving.

16. WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECTS?
Art was my favourite subject normally, but I didn't like my art teacher's style--he was a tad militaristic for such a creative subject. Again, I would say my favourite subject was anything I studied on my own away from school.

17. WHO WERE YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
Mostly people I saw outside of school. My high school was mostly preppy and stoner, with a helping of bussed-in city kids. I didn't click with any of them, so I found a few outside of school. One I am still very good friends with to this day.

18. WHAT WAS YOUR SCHOOL'S FULL NAME & MASCOT?
Parkway West Senior High was the name. I couldn't tell you who the mascot was.

19. WHAT YEAR DID YOU GRADUATE?
I *graduated* in 1987. I dropped out and took the GED within 2 months. I wish I had done it sooner.

20. WORST HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY?
Pretty much all of them. It was a very bad period in my life, although school wasn't the only culprit. My mother and I did not get along (still don't, really.) and I had no escape from her. Until I was out on my own, my life sucked. Of course, every year after that has been the best year of my life, so I'm not complaining. I have a wonderful devoted husband, a whip-smart adorable little boy, a successful business, very good friends, and am routinely assumed to be 5 or 10 years younger than I am. I'd say I turned out okay. ;)

21. IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN, WOULD YOU?
Yes, only because it made me the person I am today.

22. DID YOU HAVE FUN AT PROM?
Didn't go.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU WENT TO PROM WITH?
n/a

24. ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING TO YOUR NEXT REUNION?
Eh, probably not. I went to the 10th, looked around, and that's enough for me.

25. DO YOU STILL TALK TO PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL?
One or two.

26. FAVORITE BAND?
Social Distortion, Amy Winehouse, Etta James, the Misfits, Concrete Blonde, Elvis

27. ANYONE FROM YOUR SCHOOL BECOME FAMOUS?
I wouldn't know.

28. DO YOU STILL LIVE IN THE TOWN YOU DID IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Yes, though not the same part.

29. DID YOU FOLLOW THE CAREER PATH YOU HAD PLANNED IN HIGH SCHOOL?
If you mean the one where I survived high school and got the hell out of my mothers' house, then yes. But I didn't go to New York, become a famous artist/writer/singer/sculptor/actress, and I didn't marry Johnny Rotten and live in loft in the Village, so no.

30. HAS YOUR LIFE TURNED OUT THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BACK WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING YOUR 'FUTURE'?
My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined at that age. Really, the two are worlds apart.

Reasons Justin Theroux just might be God.

1. The man can wear a hat. And look natural, and effortlessly stylish, and cool, and badass. I can't name on one hand the number of men in this day and age that can do that. (Mike Ness and John Hamm come to mind, and no others, really.)

2. Actually, amend that to the man can wear anything. Whether in a tux or a suit, jeans and a hoodie, a cool motorcycle jacket you wish your husband had, or hell, nothing at all, he never looks out of place. Some guys just have style without looking like they're trying. Cary Grant had it, Clooney has it, Justin Theroux has it in spades.

3. All of which is undoubtedly helped by the fact that the man is plasma hot. Seriously, this is the finest brother in Hollywood these days.

4. Even with the looks, he's still wildly talented. Acting, writing, and now directing, he's got the skills to pay the bills. Tropic Thunder was half his and half Stiller's, and they hit it out of the box. And anyone who's seen his turns in Mulholland Drive and Six Feet Under knows the boy's got the acting thing down pat.

5. He's been in not one, but two David Lynch films. The aforementioned Mulholland Drive, where he played a movie director that steals the protagonist's love interest; and the lesser known Empire Falls, in which he's both creepy and alluring.




6. He reminds me of both a young Mike Ness and young Bruce Campbell. He has neither the former man's battle with heroin, nor the latter's anvil chin, but he definitely has a tinge of dangerous charm (Ness) and barely contained insane black humour (Campbell). Maybe it's the unruly eyebrows, or the piercing stare and angular features. It makes him look just a little cruel, and I like it like that.

7. The boy ain't just brunet, he black. Haired, that is. Dark hair is like kryptonite to me; even the chest thatch he sports in Six Feet Under isn't enough to deter a body-hair phobe like me. His hair and eyes are so black you can see stars collapsing on their perimeter and falling in. So dark even light doesn't escape.

8. He has a timeless air about him. Vampire fiction in all its flowery form sucks; that's a fact. And yet, were someone to cast Mr. Theroux as the walking dead, I wouldn't argue. He has the air of being around for millenia. Something about him seems as suited for the Industrial Revolution as the Information Age. Perhaps it's the glint of sarcastic, world-weary intelligence that shines out of his face. Or maybe he's been bathing in the blood of virgins at night. Whatever it is, it works.

9. He's going to be a good-looking man for a long time, possibly forever. You can tell some guys are going to be fantastic for years to come, and they don't come around often. That all-important combination of good looks, effortless style, intellect, studiousness, talent, artistry, psychological agility, street smarts and something my old teacher called "got-your-shit-togetherness" is not often found wrapped up in one person, and it's especially rare among the empty-headed self-indulgent Hollywood set. If he can sidestep the hard drugs, easy money, shit talkers, pneumatic coke-huffing bimbos and fastlane burnout, he could easily age as gracefully and fabulously as Paul Newman, who was splendid to his last breath.



So he might be God. Of course, I don't believe in God, but if forced to do so I want him to look like Justin Theroux. Slick as butter and twice as fine.

Q&A

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: Nope

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When we watched the PBS show on Oppenheimer, who built the bombs they dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I prefer typing.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Corned beef

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? One beautiful son.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Absolutely!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? With every waking breath.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I think so.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope. I'm not 24 anymore.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST? Pancakes with real maple syrup, dry scrambled eggs with an extra egg white, fresh mango and blueberries, strawberry orange juice, coffee with milk and sugar, and a glass of skim milk. Great, now I'm hungry.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? None of my shoes have ties.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Peppermint

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they look interesting.

15. RED OR PINK? Red, always.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am absolutely blind without my glasses.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My gramma, who passed in '07.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Yes, if they want to.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans, no shoes right now.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Mykonos by Fleet Foxes, PBS kids, and my son's electric keyboard demo.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Spring green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Mint, lilac, ylang ylang, fabric softener, my husband after a shower, my Aveda hair pomade

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Mia, last night.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I like Cat fine, even though I end up wasting a lot of time because of her. ;)

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Roller Derby and my husband's soccer games.

27. HAIR COLOR? Jet black with one blonde streak.

28. EYE COLOR? Green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Can't. They give me migraines.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Indian food, buttercream frosting on red velvet cake, homemade candy, real maple syrup, hot and sour soup, mangoes, grapefruit juice, feta cheese, sushi of any kind, pineapple pizza, toasted marshmallow latte.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Can't watch horror movies, but I don't need a happy ending. I prefer suspenseful movies, or good character studies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? All the way through? The Dark Knight. Which was even better than I remembered.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black and grey off-shoulder 3/4 sleeve top.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? I prefer winter over summer, but I love spring and fall.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? If it's from a friend, both. If it's someone I don't know real well, a handshake will do.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Handmade buttermints.

37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH. For my son to grow up happy and healthy, and for my husband to finish his book and get it published so he doesn't have to work anymore.

38. WHAT (in general) IRRITATES YOU? People who don't have their shit together, people who are shiftless, people who make others suffer because of their own greed, fundamentalists, people having kids who can't properly care for them, and politicians who don't blink at bailing out their rich friends in the banking industry while expecting union workers to jump through hoops to get less than a 10th of the same money.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I've read everything in my house.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? No mouse pad.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? I sort of watched Scrubs reruns while my husband and I fell asleep on the couch.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Good music, my son's voice, snow falling, my husband's laugh, cats purring.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither. I prefer the musicians they ripped off.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Portugal.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Singing, drawing, painting, dancing, sewing, acting, dirty jokes, fashion design, web design, talking shit, creative writing, making candy, baking, and throwing a right hook.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis.

47. WHAT WAS THE LAST NICE THING YOU DID FOR SOMEONE?
I hugged my son and told him I loved him.

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I met him in a horrible art class at Meramec. I thought he was cute, so I decided he would be my friend.

Dealbreakers

I'm not single anymore, but I vaguely remember being so. When I was single, I had a mental list of traits I found attractive and some I found unattractive. Beyond that, there were the traits so horrible, wierd, or foul-smelling that I simply couldn't look past them. These were called "Dealbreakers". This is the top 15 of them.


DEALBREAKERS

1. Cheesy pick-up lines. It can be as innocuous as an awkwardly delivered compliment on my physical appearance, but it immediately turns me off. I don't know you, so wait until I do to start all that shit.

2. Being a member of an organized religion. I'm agnostic. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that some gaps can't be bridged. Some people can look past the fact that they don't share the same views on the building blocks of the universe, but I'm not one of them. We have to start out on a pretty level playing field, because at no time in the future am I going to morph into a Christian, Wiccan, Zen Buddhist, Scientologist, or Norse Pagan. Sunday mornings are for pancakes.

3. Having any of the following: bad breath, body odor, unkempt facial hair or dirty head hair. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you should look like a bum. Or, if you do, then date girls similar to you. If I wash my ass, so do you.

4. Bad shoes. You can tell a lot about a person by what they wear on their feet. Crocs, mandals, Nikes, unironic cowboy boots, docksiders, gators, brown leather anything, adidas slides, or birkenstocks are a serious no-no. Men's shoe fashion is a study in subtlety: Plain Chuck Taylors, doc marten shoes or boots, motorcycle boots, et al. Good shoes don't call too much attention to themselves, and they ALWAYS cover men's toes.

5. No ass. I'm a girl who likes an ass. If you ain't got one, I won't give you a second look.

6. Skinny boys. I won't say I've never dated them, but they've been the exception. I'm more likely to date a fat guy than a skinny one. Skinny guys just look like you have to mend them.

7. Men who are a lot younger or a lot older than me. I don't like to date younger men as a rule, which is why it's still weird to me that my husband is 6 years my junior. But since he's 80 on the inside, I guess it works out. I don't want to be someone's mommy, and neither do I want a daddy. I want an equal, and it's just easier to find that if you're both from the same generation.

8. Metrosexuality. I'm all for cleaning your bits, but once it branches into "being in touch with your feminine side", you've totally lost me. I'm bi; if I want to date a girl, I'll date a girl.

9. Being shiftless. I don't expect you to take care of me, but I'm for damn sure not going to take care of you. If you're over 30 and can't keep a job over a year, you can find someone else's time to waste.

10. Living with mom and dad. I don't even need to explain this, right? Paying rent all by yourself is very sexy. It means you're that much closer to being a grown-up.

11. Blond hair. It's not that blond men can't be attractive, it's just not really my thing. I prefer dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin. Blond men just don't seem to smolder as well.

12. Physical weakness. I have a fondness for a strong back and arms, because I want to know I'm not going to have to lift things all by myself.

13. Alcohol or drug addiction. I have exactly NO sympathy for practicing addicts. Your mommy can take care of your sorry ass, I have other things to do.

14. Mental lightweights. I actually prefer a guy to be smarter than me, because it pushes me to apply myself.

15. Smokers. I can deal with smoke every once in a while, but I don't like it as a rule. The smell gets everywhere, and if you don't partake yourself, it's fairly foul.

Wasting Time

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the 1st 25 songs no matter how embarrassing
Step 3: Strike through once someone guesses both the artist and the track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing, looking up the lyrics is CHEATING.
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.


1. All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we knew
2. The door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust
3. The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
4. Climb the highest mountain, sail across the sea
5. When the rain is blowing in your face
6. Let me lay it on the line, I got a little freakiness inside
7. I don't want you to be no slave
8. I remember way back, way back when
9. When you walk in the bar, and you dressed like a star
10. See them on their big bright screen
11. I once met a man with a sense of adventure
12. I've been walking in the same way as I did
13. He looked down into her blue eyes and said "say a prayer for me"
14. Well you've been making your brags around town that you been lovin' my man
15. Shattered dreams, worthless years
16. In a police car I feel so very small
17. They can make things worse for me
18. Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
19. It's been three weeks since you been lookin' for your friend
20. Down in Mexicali there's a crazy little place that I love
21. I was following the I was following
22. If you're looking for trouble, you came to the right place
23. Que bonitos ojos tienes
24. Well, when I was young I was so full of fear
25. Birds flying high you know how I feel

Good luck!

25 Movies I can't live Without.

I borrowed this concept from Amanda Michel, whose movie choices are much cooler and less well known than mine, I think.

These aren't necessarily the movies I've seen the most (I've watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy an embarrassing amount of times), but they are the ones that have struck that chord deep inside me that says "This! This is home!" I wonder what that says about me.

1. Death Proof. Not Quentin Tarantino's best known work, but my favourite by far of his oeuvre. Sexy girls, sailor talk, fantastic soundtrack, muscle cars, and bloody revenge. Hot damn!

2. LA Confidential. Proof that not all movies set in the 50's have to be Grease. Not that there's anything wrong with Grease (also on this list), but the 50's were like any other time in history; some bad shit went down. Fills the noir theme without being derivative. Hell, it even got me to like Kim Basinger.

3. Velvet Goldmine. Set in one of the most fun (and oft forgotten) periods of music history: the Glam years. Purported to be loosely based on the supposed affair between Ziggy-era Bowie and Iggy Pop, this movie is a glitter-crusted heroin spike: sweet as candy on the outside and rotten to the core. Plus, any movie where Ewan MacGregor takes his pants off can't be all bad.

4. Hedwig. I don't even need to explain why this is on here, do I? It's a car wash, ladies and gentleman!

5. Mulholland Drive. I love just about everything David Lynch touches, even the things that I don't understand at all, but since I'm a little in love with Laura Elena Harring and a LOT in love with Justin Theroux, this movie spends a lot of time in my VCR. That's right, I love it so much I actually brave the technology of the 80's to watch it.

6. Desperately Seeking Susan. Sure, Madonna can't act (or sing for that matter). But nothing takes me back to the girl I was in high school like this movie. Not because the fab New Yawk locales look anything even close to my horrid suburban hometown, but because at that time of my life I wanted to be Madge's character--running from hoods, living out of people's houses, being quick witted and light on my feet and beholden to no one. Like everything we like when we're young, this just takes me back.

7. Mystery Train. Love Jim Jarmusch, and this is one of his best films. Any movie that casts Screamin' Jay Hawkins, the ghost of Elvis, and the late Joe Strummer is virtually guaranteed greatness.

8. City of Lost Children. Actually, everything this director does is fabulous, but this magical french tale of an elderly despot who kidnaps children to steal their dreams is filled with so much dark wonder that you can't take your eyes off it. What other movie boasts crazy narcoleptic scientist clones, a midget nurse with a towering hairdo, a talking brain in a jar and murderous conjoined hag twins? No one, that's who.

9. Ghost World. The first time I watched this movie I felt like someone had filmed my brain in high school. Except made it funnier and cooler than it ever was in real life.

10. Mystery Men. Misfit Superheroes save the world. With forks and flatulence. Seriously, everything about this movie rocks. If you haven't seen it, you should.

11. Iron Giant. I saw this in the theater 4 times. I cried like a cholicky baby 3.5 times. Pure brilliance.

12. Another State of Mind. Of course this movie is going to be on my list. Besides being a chunk of late 80's punk rock history, it's also filled with unintentionally hilarious footage of early Social Distortion. Being several huge fans of Social Distortion myself, I have to include this on any list of films I make.

13. Grease. The ironic thing is that I wasn't allowed to see this in the theatre when I was little. My mom thought it was too risque, and so I was well into my 20's before I saw it. So of course I watched it, like 5 times in one sitting. My favourite character is Rizzo, because Sandy is an annoying twat until the very end.

14. Silence of the Lambs. My fascination with abnormal psychology aside, this movie is extremely well made, and the performances are perfect to a man. What other movie about serial murderers warranted an Oscar? None that I can think of. Maybe Zodiac, but not many others.

15. Crybaby. Yeah, it's not his best work, but Johnny Depp in a leather jacket and pompadour can make you forgive a lot of things. Plus, this list is what I like, and I admittedly like some corny things.

16. Pretty in Pink. Oh c'mon. I'm a girl who was a teenager in the 80's. It's practically stamped on my DNA to like this movie.

17. Usual Suspects. I've watched this movie 100+ times and the ending still gets me.

18. Kill Bill. I'm going to count both parts as one movie because I usually watch them back to back. You either love Tarantino or hate him. I love him, and I love this movie.

19. High Fidelity. The cast is excellent, the writing is top-notch, and Jack Black gets to be his Jack Blackiest. Every character in this film reminds me of everyone I've ever met.

20. Heathers. This is the last time Christian slater was cool. But boy, was he cool.

21. Spirited Away. Such a beautiful film! I love Miyazaki's style, but this film is his most accessible for me. I wish our kid hadn't gotten the DVD out of the case and broken it. :(

22. Wall-E. Speaking of our little one, he watches this movie 3 times a day, every day. And you know what? I still like it.

23. Tropic Thunder. This movie is just fucking funny, with an unbelievable performance by Robert Downey Jr. "I'm a lead farmer, mothafucker!" Priceless.

24. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Even with Mickey Rooney's undeniably racist performance and the movie's departure from Capote's original story, it's still one of my favourite movies. Audrey Hepburn is transcendent, as always.

25. Dazed & Confused. Richard Linklater is the master at capturing the feel of a moment. Every minute of this movie feels less like film and more like time-travelling voyeurism. We've all known these people, even if some of us were too young to have passed through the 70's firsthand. this movie gets promoted as a moronic pothead comedy, but it's much, much deeper than that.

There, I'm finished. I'm sure I've forgotten some of my very favourites, and I'll question my tastes in ten years, but it's done, and it's perfect in this instant so I'll leave it be.

10 Women I Really, Really Hate.

1. Jenny McCarthy. I guess somewhere in between being an unfunny standup comic and posing for Playboy she got a medical degree and did extensive research into the causes of Autism. Go fuck yourself, Jenny, because the measles outbreak on the coast has a body count. Your un-science is killing children. DO NOT LET A CELEBRITY TELL YOU TO NOT GET YOUR KIDS VACCINATED!!!!!!!!

2. Oprah Winfrey. Everything this woman says is lapped up like pablum by the masses of dissatisfied, directionless women across the country. She pacifies them with her neo-new age bullshit, and they eat it like starved pit bulls. Indigo children? Dr. Phil? Give me a fucking break.

3. Phyllis Schlafly. She thinks women's place is in the kitchen. So she should go there and stay.

4. Ann Coulter. Who doesn't really belong on this list, because she is, in fact, a man.

5. Julia Roberts. I hate her horse laugh, her receding face skin, and her horrible movies. My least favourite actress, hands down.

6. Condaleeza Rice. Aunt Thomasina, hang your head in shame.

7. Barbara Bush. For spreading her legs and spawning her piece of shit son.

8. Kate Hudson. No reason other than every single one of her movies is the kind of pure shite that makes me feel like my eyes are bleeding. Not that I've seen any of them, but the commercials are bad enough.

9. Rachel Zoe. Not only can she not dress (or apparentally feed) herself, she's farming out her bulimic bag-lady 'style' to others so they can assault my senses as well. Cocaine and bitterness are not a meal, lady.

10. Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I can deal with the fact that she's a conservative person, but does she have to be so mind-meltingly stupid? Surely there are more erudite speakers in the ranks of the Evil Empire. ;)

Thanx for the Spanx

Trite though it surely may be, and undoubtedly sloppy writing, this time of year always makes me wistful for all the things and people I am truly, truly, thankful for. I have blessings too numerous to count, confidants and loved ones galore, and a path in life that affords me not only a sense of purpose, but enough money to pay my bills and perpetuate my chosen livelihood. Not many, especially in this horrid economy, get to do what they want to do with their lives. I am lucky, a fact I thank Fate for every day.

So in the spirit of shaking things up a little, I'd like to give some thanks for events over the past year, which, while seeming highly negative on the surface, have actually enriched my life. No particulars are necessary, because the people involved don't really matter in the long run.

When you're young, your standards for friends and acquaintances are very easy to reach. Anyone who's ever watched two children bond instantly over a shared age or love of dinosaurs can attest to that. The hoops adults jump through later in life are constructed after years of easy friendships lead to false or fair-weather friends.

Eventually, your bullshit filters get just sharp enough to keep most of the detritus out. You weed out the codependents, the backstabbers, the toxic attention vampires, and all the rest of the people you outgrow on your way to becoming a grown up.

Every once in a while, though, you encounter people who slip under your radar. Hey, we're all fallible. It feels good to meet new people, and tell all your stories, and hear all their stories, and bond. And 99% of the time, it's a beautiful thing. Most people are basically good, (but don't tell anyone I told you so, I've a rep to protect) and I believe even the people who do you dirt don't set out to do it on purpose. But dirt they sometimes do, and the consequences are the same whether intentional or not.

I've met some really, really wonderful people this past year. People who I would take a bullet for, people whose kids I would protect from bears, people who I dearly and truly love. And for that I am lucky, because many people in this world go without one good friend, much less the ones I have. They know who they are.

I say this to illustrate that the rewards of close friendship come with the occasional pitfall; sometimes people misrepresent themselves, even to themselves, and it's only once you've come out on the other side and gotten some distance from the person that you can start to see the bullet you dodged by ending the friendship. Particularly if that person is batshit, head over heels, balls out swingin', looney tooney bins.

But I digress.

The reason I bring this up is not to dwell too long on the person involved, but to demonstrate the positive effects of dealing with a negative person. Chiefly of which is this: dealing only with people you like, who like you, can only tell you so much about how you handle a stressful situation. Dealing with people who have made you angry, and doing it in a manner befitting an adult, tells you much more. If you can keep your cool but still get your point across, you can count yourself a grown-up. Congratulations.

Likewise important is the fact that making a mistake in sizing up a potential friend lets you know you're not infallible, and we need those curveballs every once in a while to keep us on our toes. Psychosis doesn't just live in the stinky guy who shuffles down the street talking to Elvis: it takes many forms, and some of those might be in front of you from time to time. You don't have to let it make you bitter, because like I said before, most people are basically good. It just serves to remind you to keep an eye open every once in a while.

And finally, getting through the breakup of a friendship lets you know that no matter what happens in the blowup, the aftermath is never as bad as you think it's going to be. Frequently it ends not with a bang but a whimper. Or a sigh of relief knowing you don't have ten more crazy years in front of you with someone whose screws aren't tamped down so tight.

So here's to a new year, with new challenges and victories, peaks and valleys, and all other trite metaphors for the greased roller coaster of life. But as long as I have my boys, my health, and my boys' health, I will abide.

'Cause I'm a soldier, fool, what?!