1. Crocs. Besides being the consistency of Circus Peanuts that have been left in the sun too long, these eyesores-for-your-feet are like sweat sponges; they soak up every disgusting drop and let it out later as eye-ball peeling stench. Plus, they ugly baby. They real ugly.
2. Sports bras as shirts. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's a bra, lady, and not a very good one at that. Just because you want to mistreat your boobs doesn't mean the rest of us should have to watch.
3. High-waisted pants. Otherwise known as a Cameltoe Kit.
4. Leggings worn as pants. Look, you Fucking Hipster, there is NOTHING to separate what you are attired in from bike shorts. Great, you covered your knees. I can still see your vulva.
5. Which brings me to...Bike Shorts. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYOHGODMYEYES!
6. Whale Tails and Droopy Drawers. Pull up your fucking pants. You're not at home, you're not in your room. You're in public, and your ugliness is filling up my eyes and making me wish I was born blind. I'm pretty sure I can see shit particles floating in the air as you walk by, and all I can think when I see you is "future fry cook of America."
7. Uggs. The exception to this rule is my fabulous friend Mia, who took the Ugg concept and had it turned up to 11. Think Pepto-Bismol-hued fuzzy foot explosion, and you're about right. But you aren't her, and you can't rock those.
8. Sweatpants. Have you given up? Should we get you an intervention? Are you planning on killing yourself and we need to call someone? Or are you just attired thus? Let us know, all right? We care.
9. Tie-dye. I'm so sorry, sir, it seems someone puked Spin-art onto your clothing. You should probably see about that. You wouldn't want it to stain your shirt permanently that way.
10. Embellished Denim. Here's a partial list of things your jeans should NOT have on them: screenprinting, velvet flocking, ties up the back, ties up the side, bleach spots, studs, rhinestones, embroidery, acid wash, ties up the crotch, factory whiskering, storebought holes, appliques, big fake wear patterns on the thighs that make it look like you were dragged behind a truck, a tag from Wal-Mart, lace, or any combination of the above. Go to the store, find a pair of well-cut dark or medium denim jeans in your size with NO extra shit on them, and buy them. Then burn everything else you have. Just do it for me, okay? The eyes of the world will thank you.
(A special mention should go here for my friend Robin's Grateful Dead pajama pants, but since that's pretty specific to her, I can't put it on the actual list. But Oh honey, I love you, but no.)
