What I would do with 100 million dollars.

Someday, when I win the lottery primarily through osmosis (since I don't play--the lottery is a tax on people who can't do math), I will have none of the worldly concerns that plague normal folks, and will be able to do the things on this list of Things To Do When I Am Filthy Stinking Rich. But unlike rich folks like Dick Cheney and Donald Trump, I won't concern myself with making America the butt of the world's jokes. Instead, this is what I'd do, in no particular order:

1. Buy the six houses to the left of us and build a reasonably sized maison du moi. Nothing too fancy or showy, just a 2 story modern mansion with a red lacquer door and big glass windows and a pool shaped like a kidney. It would have a koi pond, a hot tub, a japanese garden with tiny bonsais for the dogs to eat, a garage to house the ridiculous vehicles we will own but not drive, a recording studio, and not one, but THREE sewing rooms. To get to the front door, the general public will have to wind their way through a shrubbery maze which may, or may not, lead them right back out onto the street. Of course, me and the rest of my family and friends will get to the house by sliding down a secret tunnel on a rickety go-kart.

There might also be a moat, I haven't decided yet.

2. My husband will promptly quit his job so he can write full-time. In his spare time, he will fill up with tattoos and go bike riding so he doesn't balloon up from all the delicious food we will be eating, freed from the restraints of having to learn to cook, clean up after ourselves, and shop for groceries without being held at gunpoint.


3. My son, sister, sister-in-law, nieces, Aunt's adopted step-grandson, best friends' now and future kids, rest of friends' kids, Sister-in-law's sister's and brother's kids, and anyone else under eighteen remotely related to me by blood or just because I like them will be given the funds to go all the way through graduate school, should they decide they want to. I'll even pay someone to nag them if they don't. Bail, however, will be a case-by-case basis.

4. My mother, father, sister, brother, in-laws, favourite auntie, favourite auntie-in-law, best friend's mother, and bandmates will have their houses paid off.

5. My two bestest friends will have NEW houses bought next to mine. I'll also grease the wheels of the american immigration system so that this is no longer a problem, since we all know that's how politics work here. I'll buy vacation houses in Scotland and Mexico (which is where they live now) so they can go home any time they want.

6. My band will record albums because we'll all have free time and won't be dependent on the inspirationally-bankrupt american recording system. We'll fill the world with pure rock fury, then go home to sleep it off.

7. My business will get a lot busier. Also, I'll have the help people are always yelling at me to get. We'll give Wal-Mart a run for their money and still employ union labour while making things that don't fall apart before you get the tags off.

8. I'll set up small business grants and low-income merit scholarships. I'll give no-interest loans to businesses that want to invest in mom and pop shops in poverty stricken areas, so developers can't just let them go to shit and buy the land to make Home Depots.

9. My husband would get his all-original parts metallic-fleck-blue-with-white-racing stripes Shelby Cobra, which he could drive on the racetrack I would build over the ashes of our old high school--which I would buy so I could set it afire.

10. I would have a jet-black Chevelle SS hardtop with mag wheels, chrome pipes, blood red velvet interior, fuzzy dice, eightball gearshaft, and 6 CD changer with Social Distortion, Misfits, Distillers, Joan Jett, Donnas, and Johnny Cash playing at ear-splitting levels.

11. I would have the prettiest hair in all the land. People would pay me a dollar to touch it.

12. I would sponsor the Arch Rival Roller Girls, and buy them a roller rink of their own, with a black and red floor and a water fountain that spews Pabst. I would pay the Cramps to be the house band. They in turn would teach me to skate, a feat I have never mastered--not even when I was skating age.

13. Tattoos would start appearing once a year in various places.

14. Social Distortion would play my birthday party. Every single year.

15. I would buy some bars so St. Louis would have more small venues for bands. Bouncers would throw out anyone who owned a Dave Matthews Band CD. Every band who showed promise would be given a recording contract and a puppy.

16. I would buy an old movie theatre and play anything I want, whether it was current or not. People would be able to see Hedwig, Velvet Goldmine, and Spinal Tap every friday. We would have Jon Waters and David Lynch film festivals. Absolutely nothing with Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts would be allowed. People could get a free tickets for burning American Pie and Scary Movie DVDs. You could buy chicken vindaloo and mojitos at the concession counter. We would have Cadbury's cream eggs year round.

17. I would bring Johnny Cash, Joey Ramone, and Wesley Willis back to life. I would pay to have O.J. and Jeb Bush locked up and then ass-raped. I would have Precious Moments figurine smashing contests. There would be cotton candy every day until I got sick of it.

18. I would pay to have David Beckham train my husband's mostly-lesbian soccer team to mop the floor with their competition so people will stop feeling sorry for them. I would also buy my husband less fruity soccer shorts.

Now I'm hungry. I'm going to use my somewhat limited funds to go buy Cadbury's cream eggs while they're still around. I'm sure there are more things to do with 100 milion dollars, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I'm sure building the moat will keep me busy for a while.